The Night Before Christmas

Read only if you're up for Christmas angst! :DD

I just got an idea to write an "emotional" post right now, so I'm going to do it. There are two reasons for me to write this in English. The first one is that I like to write in English since it's not so close to my heart. It's easier to speak about things since it feels more distant. The other reason is that I've wanted to start blogging entirely in English so that I would be able to reach bigger bunch of readers (but I'm not saying that you're not enough!).

Where to start. I realised that I have made over 28 blog posts this month but not really any where I'd share or open up just a little bit. I don't know what kind of picture you all have of my but now it seemed needed.

Christmas time has been proven to be the most stressing time of the year. So many dreams and expectations are broken as the months float towards the "jelly time". That maybe the reason why I felt almost like crying when I was with my parent buying groceries for the Christmas time. Evil words make much more damage since you don't "expect" them and can't therefore shield yourself.

The another rather weird moment was the uneasy feeling when walking from Alko with a red-wine bottle for the Eve. I've always been really straight forward with the thought that children deserve a sober Christmas from their parents. Was I now a person that that consumes alcohol in such a awful manner that I can't be without Even for the "single most important day of the year". Then I remembered few thing: Christmas is only a day, we are all adults (me and my parents) and I like wine. I like the idea of me drinking wine, but it has nothing to do with the intoxicating effect.

For a while already I've wanted to spend a Christmas of my own. I don't mean "on my own" and I don't want to diminish the fact that now a days I like the way how we spend Christmas with my parent. Nevertheless, I'd like to create my own Christmas traditions with my family (that I obviously not yet have). I had incredible how wonderful time I had this Wednesday with my.. well boyfriend (now there you go, it's out there) and it was something to remember. I can't remember when I would have had such a great time with anyone and I'm not trying to address this to anyone, but it's the truth. That is something that I want to unravel, to find out more about.

These are really just the most random thoughts about the past days that I can't bypass one thing. I had this like the biggest quarrel with my best friend and it was an horrible epiphany to understand how alone emotionally I'd be if I lost her. Well, this was more like an annotation since I really can't figure anything deep or meaningful that I'd f.ex. learned from that crises.

I have fears. Most of the people have I guess. Mine are mainly irrational, just stuff like worst case scenarios.. but it doesn't make it any less scary. Part of me is sad for knowing that I can't "really" see my hon for couple of weeks. The other part says that I'm going to be fine that all I need right now is just a little bit of trust. Trusting just feels so stupid. Something as distant from normal life as Hollywood motion pictures. Well, it's anyhow needed, mutually even! I'm trying to remember that I'm on Christmas holiday, I simply can't afford letting it go wasted and that New Year is going to be great. It's just not easy. Hope it were.

Here is what I wanted to say. I hope it's not depressing since I'm not and I'm actually truly very happy right not and just where I want to be in my life. Sometimes you just need your share moment and here's mine for now. For tomorrow I have an bit of a razzle dazzle moment prepared for my more or less conservative family! It's going to be great. I am waiting for Christmas to happen and that's why I'm now going to bed that it could come faster. Hope that ya'll have a wonderful and the most special Christmas ever!